Last year, when I stepped on the flight from Beijing to New York, I could hardly resist myself from crying, because I had to say goodbye to my boyfriend. I got accepted as a transferred student to Cornell, and would spend two years there till my graduation, while he would stay in Beijing for the rest of his BS degree. This relationship was 1 year long at that time, and we really liked each other. Both of us were aware of the fact that there would be 12-hour time difference between us, but it’s just too hard for us to give up. I had never been through a long-distance relationship before that, and neither could I imagine how we could work it out. But after all, we decided to give it a try, since we were lucky to have all those modern communication media: E-mail, telephone, and instant messengers…And the good news is: a year has already past, and we are still in a relationship. =)
Though hard for the first couple months, we quickly get used to communicating though asynchronous ways. We email each other back and force and leave offline messages on instant messengers. Also, over the weekends, when we are both awake, we webcam and chat. Sometime we even watch the same movie together (I mean…at the same time), though he cant hold my hinds, we can always chat and laugh at those funny stories as we always did when we were together.
I can’t tell this long distance did a bad or good thing to my relationship: we are physically separated, but we are emotionally closer than before: we have never quarreled again. In terms of McKenna’s relationship facilitation factors, I think the most applicable factors are removal of gating features and interactional control. When we come up with some problems, which in the past would always be the start of fights, we become more open about what we are thinking , we are more willing to talk about the it and that’s obviously helpful for solving problems. This also reminds me of O’Sullivan’s model which suggest that people tend to choose mediated media in communication while the valence is negative. It feels much easier to fix problems though instant messenger than FtF…And we obviously get more control over interaction. We can choose when and where to reply to an email and a message…and for the most cases…a webcam connection request… I found it most useful because I no longer have to spend 1 hour to check my hair and makeup before we go to library to study together, and I can always reject the request when I was staying up late for an unfinished paper or blog post wearing my glasses with dirty hair…which is also the most possible reason for us two to be online at the same time…(remember the 12-hour time difference?)
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5 comments:
First of all, let me just tell you how proud I am (even though I don't know you) that you have the guts to make your relationship work from opposite sides of the world!! People often think I live in a dream world because I really do have faith in true love, etc. Anyway, I agree that O'Sullivan's model most accurately describes your situation. It is much easier to solve disputes when there aren't enough cues to express things like sarcasm through body language or negative feelings through facial expression. Without these factors, it is much easier to keep a level head when working out a problem.
That makes sense, that you two haven't quarreled since you left Beijing because now you communicate through the internet and phone. Communicating through these two forms of media allows for time to react to a situation and to relax over it, and having conversations online is always much easier than in person because you can't necessarily see some of the visual cues (unless you are videochatting).
Are you still able to "get the goods", such as checking his Facebook to see new pictures and what he's up to while you're away from him? I used to do that with my ex-boyfriend while he was away from me, and it made me feel as though I was almost there with him - I felt a stronger connection with him through it.
Proximity is always a big factor that you could have discusses. Even though you are not physically close anymore, you still have high intersection frequency (i.e., you e-mail back and forth and even conduct regular webcam chats). That is a huge part of what is supporting the relationship. Imagine if you don't get to exchange thoughts and feelings that often. Don't you think you'll have a lot more difficulty maintain the relationship?
And it's fascinating that the visual anonymity may actually help your relationship, since "looks" are now not as important as "words." This should be true in any relationship, but unfortunately we just can't completely disregard physical appearances in FtF situations. CMC is actually letting us focus on what is more important in the first place (reallocation of cognitive resources).
Hi Yu Tian,
Congrats on making it one year long distance, since it's obviously hard but you and your boyfriend managed it very well. :) I like the mixture of asynchronous and synchronous methods.
You are right that the removal of gating features help quell arguments since you are interacting through a lean medium. Also, interactional control makes communication more convenient and "safe" when compared to Ftf.
It's also interesting that you added O'Sullivan's model about negativity and valence.
I have to agree with the other comments who are impressed with your looong distance relationship. I have trouble with a boy in the same time-zone! I wonder, though, if you have spent and face-to-face time together since leaving home and how that time went? Often, when people are far removed from their home, their return is less than extatic because of changes they have gone through that aren't necessarily evident. Not to say that you have changed for the worse! I'm just curious as to what will happen when you two are back together... will you spend that hour getting ready before hanging out, when you expressed how much you enjoy not having to do so? My feeling is this removal from your boyfriend and resorting to CMC will lead you in one of two directions: you will become closer out of necessity (and sit around him with glasses and dirty hair when you ARE face-to-face), or you will realize that you needed that CMC to make the relationship work and without it you fall apart. I have been in a situation where the latter holds true and from the sounds of your post, you are far from it! I hope things work out, and that this physical removal has really made you two closer in the long run.
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